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Somebody Else is Taking Care of Me; Is this Weird?

Thursday June 4, 2020

Multiple People writes,

Is it weird that I’m nearing 30 years old and my parents are still paying my rent? It feels like it’s just “my thing” right now, and it kind of works for me.

Nope, not weird. I hear this from various people, INTJs included, all the time.

Is it weird that I’m 25 and I have a job that pays me far less than what I’m probably worth, and yet I don’t want to leave? I really like the people here, but I also feel some pressure to make more money and move up in the world. If I end up staying here and making it work, is that weird?

Nope, not weird. In fact: Long may you enjoy such a position! See also:

Is it weird that I’m 45 and basically a reprobate, living off of my spouse’s income as I do? I feel guilty but things are otherwise going OK. She doesn’t seem to mind and has told me so many times.

Nope! Not weird. See also:

Is it weird that I live with my in-laws, and they buy all my groceries, and treat me far better than I deserve? They seem to think I’m helpless. We do enjoy watching movies together.

Nope! Not weird. And finally:

Is it weird that I’m 65 and could be working harder toward retirement but don’t really feel like it? At this rate I may never retire. But I am also kind of OK with that.

Nope! Not weird.

In fact, you may find it helps to think of the situation as intuitively OK. Maybe it seems irrational, or less sensible than you’d like, but we have to give the INTJ intuition some credit: We have this gut feeling that’s worth giving a listen, and all of these people are, in part, saying that at some level they really feel OK about their irrational circumstances.

So: Why do we need to fight that? Sometimes the sensible view, the bell-curve view, is just wrong for a specific person and their circumstances.

OK, but what if I also kind of want to change this situation?

I’m glad you asked! If something’s bothering you, it’s a good idea to poke at it a bit, IMO:

  • Can I isolate the parts that feel wrong?
  • Can I visualize any other outcomes that feel right?
  • What could I try next?
  • Can I track what I’ve tried and record the results?
  • Huge changes can cause huge problems. What are some little experiments I can try that don’t upset my current flow too much, and yet also open the door to positive change, if possible?
  • Can I calendar a check-in with myself or someone else, to stay accountable to this desire to change?

So in summary, maybe the answer’s not a yes or a no. Maybe the answer is: Life’s an experiment. Let’s be a little scientist and see where it goes. Bring the best parts of your intuition and comfortable life forward, and open up to a little bit of sensibility and discomfort, in the name of discovery.

And a little bit of meta-advice: Keep showing gratitude to those who support you, when appropriate. They’re good people and sometimes all they want is some recognition.

Filed in: /101/ | /71/ | /82/ | /29/

Own your procrastination with Whole Productivity, a new system → Get my free INTJ COVID-19 Guide → Explore your gifts with my INTJ Workbook → Other Publications → ...and the fake word of the hour: "Hilkerkent." I think this is related to a feeling of a loss of control.

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